I know I know, I'm not dead - just haven't blogged in almost 6 months. But for my bi-annual blog post, I thought I would share my response to a guy friend who's wife recently had a baby and was struggling with how to help her.
Here are my thoughts - uncensored - the way I like them.
I'll be honest with you - as a guy you will really have no idea what it feels like for a mom. However in the Baz Lightman's (you know the Wear Sunscreen song guy) - "if I could tell you some things to keep in mind-"
Your wife is going to be crazy - she will feel completely out of control and hate it - but she really can't do anything about it. She hates this range of emotions and the fact that they are unexpected and unexplainable more than you do... though that will be hard to imagine.
She needs to hear the obvious from you daily if not multiple times a day (I love you, this is normal, it's not going to be like this forever)
She needs to take time for herself - you will need to force her to do this - and help her not to feel guilty for being away from you and the baby
On the subject of guilt - she is going to feel guilty... about everything, even things that she can't explain why. This will get much worse once she goes back to worse - simple things like going to the grocery store on the way home will induce almost panic-like symptoms. It's fine, she just again needs continual encouragement from you that 1) the baby is fine (that's why you picked a good daycare) 2) you don't disapprove of nor look down on her taking time to herself or do household errands
Women are bitches - they are horrible at making you feel less than a good mom - whether it is baking or daycare or working or whatever, women constantly compete and will drive your wife crazy if she lets it. Try to encourage her to remember who she was before the baby and that she is still there. For me, returning to work actually helped - it was nice to have a purpose other than feeding and caring for a child/husband/house/dogs.
You can help her with little things to make her experience at work a bit better - set your phone to text her at different times in the day - just a simple Love you and I'm proud of you - you're a good mom, etc
Surprise her with a calendar of picture for her office - shutterfly is awesome at this - I found that having that in my office helped me to feel connected to my family and was nice since I look at the date no less than 20 times a day (as if the date somehow changes mid-day or something)
Tolerate her idiosyncrasies - I have heard of moms literally taking multiple days before successfully leaving her baby at daycare. Try to understand and realize that at the end of the day - all of this flows from a few basic things:
She wants to be a good mom (but doesn't "feel" it)
She wants to feel like you are proud of her and the job she is doing now as a mom
She wants to know that you still think she is sexy - even when she is in a spit-up laden teeshirt and doesn't feel it
She wants to know that you don't resent the baby even if you feel like your needs aren't being met
She wants to know that she can be a working mom but is terrified that she isn't doing it right or that people think she is selfish for working and not staying home like "good moms"
Lastly - realize that even though sex has resumed it probably will be nothing like before and just wait it out - it will get better around the 1 year mark.
The first year of having baby was ridiculous for me. I felt crazy - literally crazy. I was angry half of the time and sad the other half. I constantly felt like I was out of control and that freaked me out and made me feel stuck in some kind of horrible Groundhog Day. The best things that happened for me were simple - and almost all came from Lee.
The only other suggestion other than using therapy techniques (I seriously pulled from my deep breathing techniques, self talk, and such that I used to teach to counseling clients) is to find funny "mom" books. She won't want to admit aloud to others how she is feeling more than likely but I found that reading about how I wasn't alone or how others had it way worse than me helped a ton - and helped me to talk to Lee about what and how I was feeling.
I would suggest: http://www.amazon.com/Sucked-Then-Cried-Breakdown-Margarita/dp/B004J8HXA4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1326941633&sr=8-1
http://www.amazon.com/Sippy-Cups-Are-Not-Chardonnay/dp/1416915060/ref=pd_sim_b_1
http://www.amazon.com/Baby-Laughs-Naked-Truth-Mommyhood/dp/0452287197/ref=pd_sim_b_5
Lastly - check out this blog - it puts how I feel about toddlerhood in complete perspective.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html
So carpe the heck out of the Kairos moments and leave the diem to the crazy moms who haven't figured out that they can't do everything and stay sane yet.
